my teeny weeny existence in the big big universe......

haven't had a proper picnic in ages...
J & i went to Sentosa yesterday noon..super hot and sunny! and we (actually he lah...) made pasta salad and egg & tuna sandwiches. and we brought mats and a radio, and an ice-box with drinks...wah... it's a real picnic loh!!
we were there for about 3 hours.. me reading my book while he napped. :) i loved it, it's such a relaxing and chill afternoon, i can just imagine how my Koh Samui trip with him will be like :) really looking forward to it!

my favourite picture of us for now :)

Libra - The Week Ahead*

22nd February 2010 - 28th February 2010 Signs of success are to be seen - they may be subtle and not, perhaps, where you most want them but small miracles are blessings nonetheless. Once again, work is the focus for Jupiter's bounty, whether you're inundated with demands for your skills or you are in line for a promotion or some other kind of professional upgrade. Health is also in the spotlight and taking the right action now should lead to a very pleasing outcome. In a few days Venus will be heading into the zone of love and relating so another reason for high optimism could be the structures you are putting in place for the future of a relationship. Life is good, Libra. Happy days. this coming week's horoscope bodes well. i do worry and think about where my work is leading me to. i am not overly ambitious, i just want to do my job well and of coz, if there are opportunities i'll definately go for it. but sometimes i think the prospects for my current job is quite stagnant. always wondered if it will be a good time to move but then again, i've only been in this trade for awhile, so i shall wait and see. yes i'll still have to endure nonsense from crazy people but i'll just grit my teeth and do whatever i am supposed to until i find something worth moving for. and i am so damn grateful for the girls at work.. really if not for them i might have went bonkers. and on relationships..there are talks of houses and joint account already. it's all moving too fast for me, but i can see his commitment. for once i am the one who's hesitant and he is making all these grand plans. it's nice but scary. but i know he will not pressure me, i am just getting round to the idea that time is really not an issue. and i know he will take good care of me. i just need more time,but i believe him. :) i really hope everything works out this time. i won't let my worries get the better of me, i just want to be really sure coz it's for a lifetime.

i posted the subject in facebook today.

told cc and yq yesterday that i am more sure now, especially over the past few days where he spent time with my family and friends.

i don't know how it happened, but i can now say i am falling for him bit by bit.

it's not the kind of love where i  fall head over heels for him. it's very different from my past relationships, and i think the words that i'll use to describe this is slowly, but surely. :)

i don't remember who told me this, but it's not a bad thing when i compare him to lsb and find that it's a different feeling coz every relationship is different, and different doesn't mean it's not love coz every love is unique. i think i can understand that now.

am happy and content... and i hope it lasts :)

am happy!

it's CNY eve.. earlier one had reunion lunch/dinner with family and i'm just channel surfing now. actually am getting kind of sleepy... prolly should nap before heading out later.

i wish for good health and happiness for all my family and friends. nothing is really more important than that.. or them.
and i thank cc and yq... babes thank you both for believing that i still have a lot of love to give, i'm really going to try and make this relationship work and love him. :)

happy new year my dear dear family and friends...  :)

monday, tuesday, wednesday, HOLIDAY!

can't wait... i'm going to shop like there's no tomorrow. and eat!
and this time round everything is taken care of, i just have to pack my bags and off I go! :))

just pray that everything will turn out good. :)

i wanna get on that plane now!

cc, qi and i went to Havelock Rd to have Bak Kut Teh last night.

the food was good, weather was nice and the company was fabulous.
we bitched, laughed, ate.. and the things we talked about.. so SATC la!
it was a great evening.. just the 3 of us, i like!

***

things have been going well so far for j & i. i am learning to be less cynical and accept that he is really good to me, and i guessed i have also moved on. slowly but surely.
and i know i am well taken care of and am happy when im with him.

that's enough for now.

2009 for me is...

1. xuan got married in feb this year and i actually felt a little sad coz never knew that i will miss her. but am happy that i still see her often enough and of coz, baby shernice is so adorable and i love her so much!

2. ezanne is born on xuan's wedding day. such a coincidence..am sure shernice and ezanne will get along very well next time, just hope that shernice doesn't bully her. heh.

3. work had become better, very much more stressful but i learned a lot too. kinda glad that i had this opportunity, at least i know i can work under pressure and get the job done. and very very thankful for some collegues who gave me alot of help, else i think i would've just went bonkers.

4. cc and qi. what else can i say? these 2 babes are really very good friends and am glad 3 of us have each other to go through the heartaches, crazy workload and fun together. just thinking about some things they say, crazy things they did never fail to put a smile to my face.

5. finally went on a trip with the limins. a short trip with all the drama (lizard catching & sam being sick), ridiculously hot weather and all the walking/climbing that almost broke my legs. i super enjoyed the trip, and i wanna go on another one with them!

6. sam. when i was so down, even a simple "how are you" made me tear. you say im not sincere but i really am, i love you and i promise never to desert you again! thank you for being there for me, your friendship means a lot to me and i will make you the father of my child (if i dun have mine by the time i'm 40). haha...

7. met up more with jodie, though i don't see her very often but we still have that great friendship chemistry everytime we see each other. can take the crappy jokes yet talk seriously about life. and bitch about men... glad that this 11 yr friendship is still going strong :))

8. als: though the one thing i wished and hoped for didn't happen, but i don't regret it. at least i really did try my best and have really loved before. thank you for all the happy memories, i know you were true to me, and i wish you happiness...

9. meeting j was totally unexpected. having someone who cares and be good to me unconditionally is truely something that i never thought will happen, but he has proven otherwise. don't know if it will last, but am thankful for now..

last day of 2009.
so many more things i want to say but not sure where to being and end...
last day of the year, last year of my 20s. in a blink of the eye, so much have changed and all within a year.

never thought that 2009 will end this way for me. was so sure about a lot of things, especially in a relationship that i thought for sure will  work out. still feel a tinge of sadness every now and then, but i am determined to be happier. these past few years had really not been easy for me, and only towards the later half of this year had i been going out more and trying to get my own life back.

alot had happened this year, and the most valuable thing i gained was friendship. but i am content with this already.

as usual, no resolutions for 2010, just wish that my loved ones and close friends will be happy, safe and everything will be better for all..

:)

j and i went for brunch at Il Lido @ Sentosa for brunch yesterday.
it's a very nice place to chill and the food was great. service was efficient and you can get a good view of the sea from most of the tables. i wanna go back there with the girls again! :))
it was a lovely brunch. i remembered feeling happy and content. :)

http://www.il-lido.com/flash/


we went to cynthia's place for christmas dinner and it's simply great lah. she cooked all of the food herself! very impressed... and met some new people too (as usual.. heh). but all nice and easy-to-get-along friends whom all contributed to making the night a fabulous one. cracking stupid jokes and playing bluff and drinking..
i don't need big parties, i like cosy ones like this... :)

and what made this christmas different is.. i'm happy. :)


look at the spread that that kind-hearted witch cyn whipped up!


us us us!! :))) merry christmas again babes!! *HUGSSSSS*

it's christmas again!

can't remember what happened at christmas last year. i think i was hiding away at home.
it wasn't a good christmas in '08, but i guess this year is going to be slightly better. i sure hope so.

it's true when people always say 被爱是幸福，爱人是痛苦。such a cliche saying hor?
i used to be very skeptical of this coz I always believed that I'd rather be with someone I love very much than with someone I only love half-heartedly.
but maybe now that I'm older, the things I want have changed.  and to have someone say that he will take care of you and make you happy.. perhaps that is really enough. i should treasure the things and people around me and not hope or wish for things i cannot have.

am trying hard not to relieve the memories.. i want new and happier memories that are not shared and only mine to keep.

merry happy christmas to me. :)

never thought my decision would bring relief to people i care most about.
so in a way, i guess this time i did something right.
not only for myself, but for my closest friends and also family.

it's christmas again.
i really don't remember what i did last christmas. i think i was hiding away for the whole festive period. didn't want to celebrate, didn't want to meet people.

but i think it will be a better one this year. i hope it will be.

i wouldn't say i am depressed, but certainly this hasn't really been a good week.

still feel the hurt from time to time, always wondering if it's a right decision to make.
but on the other hand, somehow it feels lighter, and perhaps i am really not able to face and bear the consequences that will follow should i stay on.

i am trying hard to get past these feelings, i know it will take time, but am glad i have my dear dear friends with me.

sam, for his simple sms-es. even a simple "how are you today" makes me feel really touched. he is not overly mushy and seems to be nochalant about it, but i know deep down in my heart he cares.

sarah, for just telling me her house is open to me 24/7 whenever i need a place to run and hide to cry my heart out. :)

qi and cc for just telling me they will be there whenever i need to talk. and for being my pillars of strength at work.

and look at what the girls got me.. a cheer-up kit! qi gave me the pouch last sun, and cc gave me the kit on mon. when i took pics of these, i kinda teared because i feel really really loved.

thank you girls (yes, including you sam).
i really love all of you, and i wouldn't trade you girl for anything in the world. even though it may be through heartaches (esp qi and cc) that we became closer, i would still say it is all worth it! :))


cc, qi and i with our "sons". and no, Thor is not qi,s dog, she just kidnapped him for this pic. haha...


my cheer-up kit from the girls!

i bought a new Loewe bag 2 days ago. feels damn good. got it for 1/2 the price. very very soft leather. i could just hug it to sleep. felt so high the whole day after buying it.
And i thought, material things could really make me feel better.

went to Pierre's farewell party on Friday night. it was a house party, met lots of new people and there were cute guys too. qi and I went with Gordon to Stereolab for like 10 mins and we quietly slipped away. went to Xin Wang at Marina and we talked for almost 2 hrs..
And i thought, it's good to be single because i am really enjoying my life.

met him for lunch on Saturday and somehow, i wasn't as calm as before. lashed out at him for the pain i went thru the last 4 years. made it very clear to him that i want to be alone for now. the more i said, the angrier i got. yes true, it wasn't any better for him. but at least he had eq.
And i thought, it is all for the better now that things are made clear.

went to bed at 3am and couldn't sleep. kept wondering what is wrong with me. why have i changed? what happened to all the repercussions that i was so willing to bear, but now i am afraid of? what is still pushing me to him yet pulling away? am i so afraid and jealous of not being a priority? am i so selfish to just leave everything and go for the easy way out? am i mad to give all these up and run?

i am stuck. i can't move forward and i can't go back. even if i want to give it another shot, i am not so sure of us anymore.

i don't want to think anymore. it's hurting.

i am just so close to:

1. giving up
OR
2. having what i always wanted.

i would think that giving up would be the only logical thing to do. because let's face it, choice no. 2 is still something that I am not sure about. i have serious doubts and i don't know if i can believe in it anymore.

words that were supposed to comfort and assure me suddenly seems so empty. i have heard all those before and no matter how patient i am, how gracious i try to be about the whole thing, it is still futile. you can't make someone do something against their will.

i have enough of this bad karma.

it is so difficult but i think i really need to try very very very hard now. i can so easily pretend that this is just another hiccup which will be easily forgotten if i allow it to be. should i? i really don't know. everything can go back to being "normal", we could go back to being happy again as long as we continue to keep the skeletons in the closet.

i need to remember that i really tried my best.
i need remember that i had given chances for explanations. 

i need to remember to be good to myself, to love myself more.
i need to remember what it feels like to be really happy once more.

i decided during lunch yesterday that Sam will be the best man to be the father of my baby.
reasons:
1. we have know each other since we were 18
2. had fights and made up (i forgot to wake him up for a test when we were in poly and he was upset with me lor)
3. i didn't talk to him for 3 years but yet he accepted me back into his life when i was "released" from my ex nazi-ruler boyfriend
4. i have known him for so long yet i can still tolerate and love him
5. friendships and sisterhood can't beat anything else, love between a man and woman will fade off eventually, but sisters and friends will stand by each other for a long long long long long time.

so there. why should i find a man who thinks that he loves me and treats me so nice now, but 1 yr down the road all the ugly sides of him (and me) will show and we will not be able to stand each other anymore?

yes i am cynical, but i really think that nice-ness don't last.

sigh. depressing yet true huh?

13th november wasn't a good day for me, i felt cheated and it was though someone had punched me in the stomach and i can't breathe when i knew something that should've been told to me long ago.

but i am very glad that i have sam, cc & yq. i love u girls. you are now my only pillar of strength.. don't leave me!!!

the last time i had a halloween party was i think 4 yrs back. and today (should be last nite) i went out with cc, qi, coryne, cynthia, samuel, wanjun and cheryl for halloween party @ Le Noir and later on to Butterfactory.

great night, great company. that's all it matters.

i love the girls and i just wished that life can be simple like that.

hmm..read my friend's blog. wondering if she was talking about me? the way she described it felt like me.

anyhows, i am happy i have ppl like her,qi, sam,zu di and sarah with me. :)
all our corny, stupid jokes makes the world a happier place.

oh, and i just went a bit mad trying to find pictures of a pair of mandarin ducks for my wallpaper.
all because a friend told me that maybe i should try putting a pair of mandarin ducks on my bedhead (which btw, i have NONE, coz i'm sleeping on a pull-out bed). supposedly it will enhance your love life.
actually i didn't really know where to get mandarin ducks, so told my friend to get the rubber duckies that one hotel in shanghai provides (they have pair, one yellow and one pink!)..but he said i cannot be cheapo, if not won't work...hahahaha....

and good things are to be shared! i sent the picture below to cc, qi, coryne and sam.
hahahhahaa... we all are good people, we deserve love yeah!!!!


so even if i do not have a bedhead, no worries, i'll try to surround myself with pictures of mandarin ducks... till ( i get sick of them! hahahaha)

it's the 3rd week of October already! it had been a busy month, and I've actually been going out more.

last weekend was spent at Coastes at Siloso beach where they had their 5th yr anniversary thingy. me, qi and cc went with cynthia and samuel. nice food, nice ambience, we spotted a cute guy who looked like Carter from Gossip Girls, danced a bit and we had very heartfelt and kinda emo conversations towards the end of the night.
conversations i had with qi and cc that night made me take a good look at my situation now, and yes, it is far from normal, but somehow along the way, it all became very normal to me.
to a point where i kinda stopped nagging and pushing about things i should be concerned about.

and the whole of last week, i began to find things changing bit by bit. maybe when i am occupied with my stuff, i don't really need him around. but i don't know why he started to get on my nerves a little and i don't seemed to want to meet him that much. 
i think it's because he just brushed the issue aside again when i tried to talk about it, i just felt very sian with the whole thing.
but when i think of giving up, i will be very sad.
and so the whole blardy thing just keep going round and round and till now i have no answers for myself.

so, i am glad that i am going out more, at least i don't have to think of why we are not spending weekends together, at least when i am with friends i am happy.

开心就好。
sometimes, easier said than done.

anyways, work is still crazy, just hope that the holiday season can be here soon .. life without bosses are sweet. bliss even.
hope everything will work out fine... oh! and cc told us about the safari halloween thingy..can't wait!!!


Coastes 5th Anniversary - 10th Oct


CLEO Rocks Party @ Zirca - 16th Oct


Wavehouse Opening @ Siloso Beach - 17th Oct

dinner @ First Thai @ Purvis Street with Yingkai, Sam & Jodie. super spicy but yummy thai food..makes me wanna go Bangkok SOON!

we went over to Mind Cafe snd spent 4 hours there playing The Big Taboo, Blokus,some monkey game and another one that involves snatching of a stick.
hahhaa... i can't remember the names of all the games we played, but it was a super super fun night.
I don't think i have had so much for a while already.
words can't really describe how good the night was.

i love my friends and this part of my life.

went with Jac, Coryne, Celia and Yu Qi to watch The Time Traveller's Wife last night.

we ate till our stomachs looked at least 3 months pregnant at Chong Qing Ma La Hotpot before the movie.
and since it was a BUFFET dinner, we just kept ordering (actually by "we", i meant yq n cc coz they did most of the ordering). there were ALOT of food for 5 girls. in the end, we had to give up some food coz there were simply TOO MUCH. haha...
it was a good dinner, as usual, lotsa laughter and just mindless conversations to end the work week off perfectly.

The Time Traveler's Wife is a pretty good show. of coz, there were mostly emo scenes, but with yq sitting beside me, it somehow became a little of a comedy. before the movie, i thought maybe being able to time travel seems quite cool. but if you had to be naked every single time you time travel and you have to steal clothes before u time travel back, it's gonna be quite tiring. so, no thanks to that.

cc, yq,coryne and me went to the new coffeeclub at Wheelock Place to chill after the movie. i can't believe we see each other every other day, but still can talk so much. tsk tsk... maybe girls really are very talkative....
cc and myself also talked about the time i stayed at her place we'll talk about what happened in the day at the office when both of us are back home and then bitch about ppl and stuff.
now i think about it, i guess it's quite fun to stay with your firiends and talk and unwind at the end of the day.just like in Friends. haha... maciam so lame and corny hor.

***

went with him for breakfast at Beach Road Prawn mee today. had the beehoon soup, i think the dry mee version still nicer lah. anyways about 2 hours later we were hungry again. then went to eat the zhap chai peng at Katong Mall. actually the zhap chai peng is not cheap lor, but i dunno why both of us like it very much, it tastes like what my mama would cook.. maybe the aunty secretly put in some drugs in the food to make us go back...

***

going to chill with jodie later-er and to some new club at Illuma. she says her les friend jio her there, but there we might meet some SP ppl too.
anyways, im very lazy lah, but i'm gonig just to keep her company. think she needs it..
so now i'm going to find some slack clothes that are acceptable as clubwear .. ciao!